Tag Archive for 'personal'

Six Years

Published
by
Wyatt
on February 25, 2008
in personal
. 0 Comments

Six years. Six fucking years. How long does it take to get over a six-year relationship? Or, more generally, an X-year relationship? Is there a formula that can be applied to the situation? Can we factor in all the variables, crunch the numbers, and find a solution?

Or, perhaps those years can just be cast aside. But I fear the consequences of misunderstanding, of un-attempted understanding. I fear the lingering destructive effect of unanswered questions and unresolved issues.

I’ll just sweep it away now, into the back of my mind somewhere (it can never truly be forgotten). I don’t like it, but there is no other choice (is there?).

Maybe counseling would help. “Give me therapy, not love.” I don’t know. I think it could help, but I don’t think it’s necessary. I think a therapist can provide perspective, but I’m also skeptical of authority and wary of standardized interpretations, labels, etc.

Is there another formula for figuring out what happened? How we could have done better? How we can move on and prevent the same mistakes in the future? Is it possible to avoid these mistakes, these issues? With anyone? Ever? Is it possible to find something Truly Special?

Perhaps our whole relationship paradigm is borked. In this culture, we seek True Love without community. We seek isolation in that special someone. Completion.

This isn’t the complete picture. It’s just a start. I’m thinking out loud.

Schemes

Published
by
Wyatt
on February 25, 2008
in personal
. 0 Comments

How easily we fall into material schemes. Fall. Every day I think to myself, What is the purpose, meaning, and value of this Life? There’s got to be so much more. Something… higher? I’m in deep water here. I don’t know how to understand or express this larger purpose, if it is a purpose. I don’t know how to find meaning, that I might move toward an understanding of this purpose.

A classic struggle. No answers, and so what do I do? Fall. Get caught up in schemes, dreaming about money, fame, making a name for myself. Is that it? Who’s got the answers now?

What do we strive for? In my current position, I help maintain systems that keep consumer goods running smoothly through this linear process: Extract. Manufacture. Buy. Sell. Buy. Dispose. Repeat. Don’t close the loop–dispose and start over. Dispose and destroy. Why don’t we care?

And what do I get from this work? Money so that I can maintain my Lifestyle? What the fuck? Money so I can pay outrageously inflated rent, buy cheap products made in China (don’t forget those externalized costs), pay my fucking iPhone bill? Look at me now, so caught up. Am I happy? Are you happy? Is this a path toward insanity or enlightenment? Is there a difference? Can I make a difference?

Why are we so afraid of insanity? Because we won’t be able to function as productive members of this so-called Society? We might be mocked? Shunned? Purposeless?

At home, I arrange my room. I think about how it’s going to be. It’s gonna be so cool. A new house mate just brought in a box full of movies. I’m gonna watch those movies. Oh yeah. It’s gonna be great. Fuck yeah. People will come over. We’ll talk about funny, clever, and cool shit. It’ll be so much fun. Yeah, I can’t wait.

I can’t wait to connect with people at a deeper level. I’m trying. I’m trying to find a purpose. I’m trying to find meaning in this, make this a little better each day. Is it working?