Tag Archive for 'love'

Weekend Dump

This is a giant post covering a lot of territory–a three-day period of hanging out, site/sight-seeing, and bike riding. There are several photos. If you get bored with one section, you can scroll down.

At the very least, I hope you will read the section about what’s left of Japanese culture in Portland.

Bike Lunch

This past weekend started on Friday (March 29th) with Bike Lunch. Bike Lunch is exactly what it sounds like. Bikey people get together and have lunch around noon every Friday at Backspace. Clever! I’m sure other people are welcome, too. I got there at about 12:30 and planned to stay for an hour or so. I brought my laptop. I ordered “The King,” a grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich. Mm mm mmmmm… I ended up staying till about 5, chatting with Daniel and some other people.

I got a few things done but not much really. I also updated my iPhone to version 1.1.4. w00t. The download for that was 162MB. Holy shit, that’s big. Apparently it has something to do with getting ready for the upcoming SDK, which will allow third parties to develop native apps for the iPhone. Won’t that be cool. Again I say: w00t.

So, I got home from Bike Lunch around 5. I figured I could work for a few hours and then hang out. Well, that sure didn’t work out. I didn’t accomplish anything. In fact, at the moment, I’m not even sure what I did during that time. Afterwards, I took a quick trip downtown, got there and asked myself what the hell I thought I was doing there, went back home, read for a bit, and went to bed. I didn’t sleep much, though.


Exchange Cycle Tours Field Trip - Nikkei Ride - Japanese Culture in Portland

On Saturday, I went to the Nikkei Field Trip Ride put on by Exchange Cycle Tours. The ride was an exploration of Japanese culture in Portland. There was once a vibrant Japanese community in the area that is now Old Town/Chinatown. Now, there is essentially no Japanese community there because Japanese Americans on the West Coast were all sent off to internment camps during WWII. And that, my friends, is a real tragedy.

After meeting at Madison Plaza on the east side of the Hawthorne Bridge, we rolled over to the Japanese-American Memorial at Waterfront Park on the west side of the Willamette River just south of the Steel Bridge. This is where all the Cherry Blossoms are. I’ve been by there at least a thousand times and never noticed what it was. There are inscriptions on the rocks and some cool sculptures. Go check it out.

Next we went to the Oregon Nikkei Legacy Center in Old Town. There was a lot of interesting old stuff from that era.


Old school “watch your fingers” (AKA, slicer)

One thing that struck me was a model of that part of town showing a large percentage of Japanese owned businesses before internment. Now, there are no Japanese owned businesses there. Just imagine how much interesting Portland would be if we hadn’t lost that culture. Way to go, Uncle Sam.

We were going to head over to the Uwajimaya Asian superstore in Beaverton and then to the Japanese Garden, but there were only three of us (due to the cold and rain, I guess), so that part of the field trip was deferred to a “nicer” day. Hopefully some more people will make it out next time. There’s so much around us that we’re not always consciously aware of, that we need to remember.

Saturday Market

At the end of the Nikkei Ride, we were a few blocks from the Saturday Market, so I went to check that out. I know now why I don’t go there. I won’t get too critical; I’ll just say that I didn’t find it particularly interesting. I liked this part though:


This guy rocks the buckets… hard

Hang Out/Slumber Party

After the ride, I thought I might do some “real work,” but, once again, that didn’t work out. I’m really not into working on the weekends, so I’m not going to consider it as an option any more.

Philip and I met up at Blossoming Lotus for some juice, dinner, and good conversation. I had the raw hummus, which was tasty as usual, and a apple-lemon-ginger-greens juice. Philip met up with a friend to do some nighttime photography downtown. I had made plans to meet up with a new friend and play board games.

As it turned out, no board games were played. Instead we drank tea and engaged in interesting conversation. Since I was way over NE Portland and wicked tired, I crashed over there. Sleepovers are fun; I should endeavor to have or go to them more often. In the morning, we drank more tea. I rolled home at around 11am so I could get ready for a mountain bike ride.

PUMP 20th Anniversary Ride and Party

When I got home Sunday morning, I had a quick breakfast and a little water. I was in a hurry to get to the NW Lucky Lab Pub (which has indoor bike parking!) to meet up for the PUMP 20th anniversary mountain bike ride. This was billed as a “fun ride,” which I interpreted to mean a fairly easy ride. I’m in pretty very good shape these days, but I was expecting a short ride. It ended up being a 20-mile, 3-hour ride in muddy, rainy, hail/snowy, cold conditions. And I didn’t have any water with me.

We went from the Lucky Lab up Thurman to the Thurman Gate entrance to Forest Park. We stopped there for a group photo.


Thurman Gate–nice and sunny down here

From there, we rode up to the gate near Saltzman. It’s about seven miles from gate to gate. We took Firelane 5 down. That’s some fairly technical single track. The mud made it even more of a challenge.


Top of Firelane 5

It was fun, in spite of the weather. I imagine it felt somewhat like what riding in a cyclo-cross race feels like–wet, cold, muddy, and you can’t stop. I mean, you could–you could turn around or drop out–but you feel like you can’t. And you don’t want to. You want to make it through those conditions. Persevere and all that. Plus with a ride like this, making it to the top means you get to bomb all the way down.


This was nowhere near the worst of it

When we got to the bottom, I was wet, muddy, and practically frozen. I decided to head home and get cleaned up before the party. Eventually, I noticed the time and realized I wasn’t going to make it because I already had plans to meet some people for dinner.

When I went to put my bike in the garage, I noticed I’d gotten a flat in the rear. I’m so glad that didn’t happen up in the park. Trying to change a flat with frozen hands is no fun.

Raw Dinner

I rode (in the backseat) with Isaac and Rebbecca to the weekly raw dinner at the Presbyterian Church on Lake Road in Milwaukie. I was tired, dehydrated, and starving after the PUMP ride, so it was nice to have a tasty, catered raw dinner practically for free (sorry, I only had a buck on me). It was all good, but I really enjoyed the green smoothie and carob dessert thingies.

The discussion topic for the night was something along the lines of “What’s your highest priority in life?” I didn’t have a concrete answer. All I could say was that my priority was to figure out what my priorities and purpose should be. I was thinking about everything that I’m caught up in and overwhelmed by. I think connecting with people is important. I think cultivating a culture of community, true friendship, and love is important. I think addressing our deepest, darkest issues is important. I think embracing life beyond materialism is important. I think forgiveness and reconciliation is important.

After the dinner, there was an interesting group discussion about love and the meaning of loving god and loving your neighbors. I mostly spaced out during that discussion. I kept an ear open to what was being said, and at the same time, I was thinking through those meanings in my own terms. I was also thinking about my personal love situation–trying to understand it and trying to not cry.

One person said something that resonated. Echoed. It was something to the effect of “love means being there through someone’s darkest hour.” Commitment in the darkest hour. I could believe in that definition of friendship/love.

I was thinking a lot about “unconditional love” and what that really means in the “real world.” Love is such an overloaded term; it’s sometimes hard to understand any real meaning when someone uses it.

In my understanding, “love is not weakness.” Love is commitment in the darkest hour. Love is an open quest for truth, beauty, and spiritual perfection. Love is not lust. Sex is not a essential aspect of love. Love is strength, vulnerability, forgiveness, openness, humility, trust. Love is…

“If only I could put to words the way I feel…”

Blazers vs Wizards

I just got home from yet another Blazers game. Philip M got free tickets through work again. I met some of his coworkers, and there might even be a job opportunity that comes out of this. Cool.

This time we watched from a “sky box.” You can’t see the individual players and moves as well, but it’s a great vantage point to keep an eye on the whole game. It was a fairly uninteresting game, but it was a fun experience.

Blazers vs Wizards from sky box
A dark & blurry view of the proceedings.

Philip and I spent most of the time chatting about relationships and love and meeting new people and what not. That was good. Very therapeutic, although we didn’t arrive at any definite answers to the harder questions/issues.

Blazers vs Wizards - view above skybox
A semi-interesting photo of the view above our heads. It took me a while to notice this.

I rode the MAX across the river and then walked about two miles home in the rain. My outer garments were wet, but I stayed warm (layers, yo!). I love walking home in the rain at night. There’s no better time to think and feel.

“I wasn’t offered the chance to say good bye… Good bye.”

This a “brain dump” reponse reaction to this post. Subject to revision.

do we have to say good bye?
if so, why?
do we have to fill that hole and/or work around it?
if so, why?
instead of moving on, why can’t we move forward?

“falling forward to the end…”

this (moving forward) doesn’t create a definition
we don’t have to move forward as lovers
not even as “friends”
but just as intuitive beings connected in some way
that connection can be light and tentative
it can be anything you or i want it to be
without pressure

maybe i’m just dense, but…

i can’t see why we need to crack and divide
i can see why we need time and space
on a daily basis, we all need time and space
and sometimes for longer
i can see why we needed to change our connection
but what is the point of a permanent detachment?
why does it have to be a binary choice?
one or the other
why can’t we achieve many things in this?
why can’t we do many things?

what is it?
pain?
nothing more we can achieve?
we’re not strong enough?
we’ll fall into the old patterns?
i’m being sincere
these aren’t rhetorical questions
i truly don’t understand

it’s true that something cracked open that night
something
i can’t explain
something
is different
while many things are still the same
i haven’t lost myself
(do you trust what i am?)
i know who i am, what i care about
i know what i want in this life (in a general sense)
though i don’t always know how to achieve it
(and, as usual, i’m open to growth, refinement, help)

i have been grieving these last three months
i have fallen so far and so hard… so deep
i have been affected to an extent that i would have never thought possible

i reveled in accepted this
grief, pain
i contemplated it, tried to understand it
i tried to explain it to my mother
it’s not wrong to feel this way
i’m not going to distract myself
i’m not afraid to cry (and cry and cry and…)
it’s not wrong to feel this devastation
i’m not going to hide my scars
i’m not going to turn away
and i can’t just wish it away

though every day i ask myself why i can’t
where is my self control?
who runs this life?
“no one runs this life!”

why does the situation need to be a tragedy?
it has some tragic aspects
but that’s just like almost everything in this life

“Someone’s got to tell me, do you see? That everything around you has a hidden tragedy?

you are not a hole in my life
the space you left is not an Emptiness
it’s not a vacuum sucking me in
in fact, i can’t explain it at all
this love, feeling, sadness, memories, all that we shared
i accept it, though
i believe

i don’t look to you to fill something
i don’t want you to complete me
i’m not looking to someone else for this either

we are always blended up with life and other people
how do you un-blend from life and other people?
why would you want to?
i mean that–maybe there are good reasons to
how would you do it?

i wish at least that if we are saying good bye permanently that we could do it on different, “better” terms. if this situation is a tragedy, it’s partly because of our parting. i know i can carry on with all of this unresolved feeling, but why should we do that? i accept that there may be a purpose, but i don’t know what it is.

“face that path alone and begin again…”

My Picture in the Paper

The Willamette Week, a weekly paper in Portland, puts out an annual “love and sex” issue around Valentine’s Day, which includes interviews with local singles (cleverly titled Singled Out). This year, through a series of random circumstances, I was interviewed and got “mah pitcher in tha paper.” See it here (about midway down).

First off, I would like to express that I hate Valentine’s Day. I’m not going to go into why. The reasons are probably obvious anyway.

According to the article, my perfect date would be a “vegan bicycle chick.” Whereas that’s somewhat true, I would like to state, for the record, that I didn’t utter those words. In the distant past, I used the word “chick” to refer to women but not any more. Not that I’m super PC or anything; “chick” just doesn’t sound/feel right somehow.

Anyway…

It was interesting to be interviewed and kind of weird to read the article and know that there’s this portrait of me out there that’s not entirely accurate. In some ways, it describes me pretty well, but at the same time, it doesn’t feel like me at all. Doesn’t look like me either. Or does it?

Willamette Week - Single Out

I’ve had several people ask if I met anyone through the article. A few people sent me messages, and I went on one date (to the Red & Black Cafe). No “for-evah” prospects.

Being single/unattached is a good thing, at least for now. I’m not trying to get myself all tangled up with someone right after coming out of a six-year relationship, though I am interested in meeting people. My focus is on understanding and growth and relating to people. It seems we all run into the same relationship obstacles.