Archive for the 'personal' Category

“I wasn’t offered the chance to say good bye… Good bye.”

Published
by
Wyatt
on March 25, 2008
in personal
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This a “brain dump” reponse reaction to this post. Subject to revision.

do we have to say good bye?
if so, why?
do we have to fill that hole and/or work around it?
if so, why?
instead of moving on, why can’t we move forward?

“falling forward to the end…”

this (moving forward) doesn’t create a definition
we don’t have to move forward as lovers
not even as “friends”
but just as intuitive beings connected in some way
that connection can be light and tentative
it can be anything you or i want it to be
without pressure

maybe i’m just dense, but…

i can’t see why we need to crack and divide
i can see why we need time and space
on a daily basis, we all need time and space
and sometimes for longer
i can see why we needed to change our connection
but what is the point of a permanent detachment?
why does it have to be a binary choice?
one or the other
why can’t we achieve many things in this?
why can’t we do many things?

what is it?
pain?
nothing more we can achieve?
we’re not strong enough?
we’ll fall into the old patterns?
i’m being sincere
these aren’t rhetorical questions
i truly don’t understand

it’s true that something cracked open that night
something
i can’t explain
something
is different
while many things are still the same
i haven’t lost myself
(do you trust what i am?)
i know who i am, what i care about
i know what i want in this life (in a general sense)
though i don’t always know how to achieve it
(and, as usual, i’m open to growth, refinement, help)

i have been grieving these last three months
i have fallen so far and so hard… so deep
i have been affected to an extent that i would have never thought possible

i reveled in accepted this
grief, pain
i contemplated it, tried to understand it
i tried to explain it to my mother
it’s not wrong to feel this way
i’m not going to distract myself
i’m not afraid to cry (and cry and cry and…)
it’s not wrong to feel this devastation
i’m not going to hide my scars
i’m not going to turn away
and i can’t just wish it away

though every day i ask myself why i can’t
where is my self control?
who runs this life?
“no one runs this life!”

why does the situation need to be a tragedy?
it has some tragic aspects
but that’s just like almost everything in this life

“Someone’s got to tell me, do you see? That everything around you has a hidden tragedy?

you are not a hole in my life
the space you left is not an Emptiness
it’s not a vacuum sucking me in
in fact, i can’t explain it at all
this love, feeling, sadness, memories, all that we shared
i accept it, though
i believe

i don’t look to you to fill something
i don’t want you to complete me
i’m not looking to someone else for this either

we are always blended up with life and other people
how do you un-blend from life and other people?
why would you want to?
i mean that–maybe there are good reasons to
how would you do it?

i wish at least that if we are saying good bye permanently that we could do it on different, “better” terms. if this situation is a tragedy, it’s partly because of our parting. i know i can carry on with all of this unresolved feeling, but why should we do that? i accept that there may be a purpose, but i don’t know what it is.

“face that path alone and begin again…”

Wisdom Teeth Update

Published
by
Wyatt
on March 25, 2008
in personal
. 0 Comments

I had my wisdom teeth removed exactly two weeks ago. Today is the first day I’ve woken up without a throbbing pain in my mouth. My right side has been OK for a while, but my left side has been giving me trouble.

They had to crack the bottom, left tooth to get it out, and I ended up with a bit of “dry socket.” I don’t remember if I mentioned that already. I went in last week and they jammed some nasty burnt-BBQ tasting paste in there. I could taste it all day and into the next. Not pleasant.

Throbbing pain can be a real bummer. It can be really hard to concentrate and get anything done. Mouth pain compounded with pressure from a sinus infection makes it really bad. The doc gave me Percocet, which creates somewhat of a dilemma for me, since I really prefer to not take drugs, especially narcotics, but I need to be able to concentrate and “get shit done.” I’ve been taking as little as possible while also wondering what effective alternatives are out there.

Narcotic pain relievers make you feel good. They don’t just take away the pain you’re taking them for. They take away or at least dull most or all of your pain, pain you might not have realized you had.

Maybe this is OK for very particular circumstances, but in most cases there’s certainly a better long term solution for chronic pain than popping liver-damaging pharmaceuticals (or swilling liver-damaging beverages). Perhaps examining the possible causes of pain and making some kind of work or lifestyle change would be beneficial. Hmm…

In my case, sitting up straight, adjusting my workstation ergonomics, taking frequent breaks, stretching (perhaps in the form of yoga), and getting daily exercise are key. Winding down and getting away from work is essential, even when work is fun. An occasional massage probably wouldn’t hurt either.

In related news, the drainage from my sinus infection is turning a lighter and lighter shade of green (it was pinkish-orange a week ago, like some kinda runny salad dressing). Instead of taking antibiotics, which the oral surgeon offered, I’ve been eating lots of garlic and sleeping a lot. It seems to be working.

Slices

Published
by
Wyatt
on March 4, 2008
in personal
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These blog posts are slices through time, slices through my mind. They capture a moment, a dim reflection of complete and beautiful (if sometimes dark) thought/feeling.

So much is lost in the translation from what I’m freely thinking and feeling (e.g., as I’m riding my bike to work) into these typewritten words. I try to capture the essence of what I’m thinking, but thoughts move so fast in so many directions at once with so many tangents. I can handle this when I’m thinking or talking, but writing is so linear, so non-organic, so constrained. And, of course, it lacks intonation, facial expression, hand gestures, etc.

Someone might read this blog and get a certain impression. But that impression isn’t me. It’s not all of me. It’s just a slice.

Destroy You

Published
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Wyatt
on March 3, 2008
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I need to destroy you. Mentally and emotionally, I need to erase you. I need to forget everything you said, I said, that we said to each other. I need to forget what we meant to each other–all the hope and potential and our unbreakable friendship.

Every time I think of you, what we had, and what could have been, I fall into a deep, dark well. I despair. Meaning: I can’t move. I can’t function. I don’t care if I lose my job and end up on the street. I cry and cry.

Every time I fall and cry, I get up again. I move forward again. But then I fall again, when I think of you again. This is why I need to destroy you. What exists is what I perceive and what I believe. This is my world, my dream. You don’t exist.

I don’t want to despise you, but I need to let go of you, of us. I don’t need to hate you to do this, but I need to erase you, cleanse myself of false hope and attachment.

That night when it all went down, something cracked open, was cut open, bled onto our nice, new carpet. Something opened up, and I saw incredible, beautiful potential. I suppose it wasn’t meant to be. It was never meant to be.

Instead, we cracked. And divided. We broke apart. “Friends to the end” is an empty phrase. “I’d say we’re friends to the end, but nothing lasts that long.”

–

Notes

1. I’m being slightly dramatic. I’ll never forget. And, of course, this person still exists, but not as before.

2. There’s no blame in this.

Emotional Attachment

Published
by
Wyatt
on March 3, 2008
in personal
. 1 Comment

What is emotional attachment? Is it just some chemical programming in my brain? Can I turn it off? How can I turn it off?! If I could just turn it off, would I? Should I?

Perhaps emotional attachment is like gravity–a force of nature that (apparently) can’t be defied.

When two people get involved to a deep enough degree, what happens? What physical, mental, emotional, and/or spiritual processes occur? Is there a connection created in some dimension that we can’t see? Why does it hurt to break apart? Why the fuck should I care what you say or do?

But I do. I can’t deny that. I imagine invisible strands binding me. Bound by love, unexpressed thoughts and feelings, unanswered questions. Why can’t I kick this attachment? How do I detach? How do I get free from it?

Why does anything hurt? What is the point of this pain? There is no satisfying answer that I can find or that I’ve heard. Just “Buck up! It’s all gonna be OK. Just give it some time.” Fuck these platitudes. There’s no answer in them. Fuck time. There’s never time, ’cause we gotta work and be cool and implement our schemes.

Avoiding Places of Pain

Published
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Wyatt
on March 3, 2008
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I’m not avoiding places of pain. I’m not repressing my darkest thoughts. Or my brightest. I’m not avoiding anyplace or anyone. All over this town are memories. Places I had forgotten. They give me pause. Trigger a flood of memories. Not bad or good, just memories.

Sometimes those places are hard to face, but I can’t escape them. I wouldn’t choose to escape them.

I let the feeling wash over me. And breathe. “All that’s in front of me I open welcomely.”

Six Years

Published
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Wyatt
on February 25, 2008
in personal
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Six years. Six fucking years. How long does it take to get over a six-year relationship? Or, more generally, an X-year relationship? Is there a formula that can be applied to the situation? Can we factor in all the variables, crunch the numbers, and find a solution?

Or, perhaps those years can just be cast aside. But I fear the consequences of misunderstanding, of un-attempted understanding. I fear the lingering destructive effect of unanswered questions and unresolved issues.

I’ll just sweep it away now, into the back of my mind somewhere (it can never truly be forgotten). I don’t like it, but there is no other choice (is there?).

Maybe counseling would help. “Give me therapy, not love.” I don’t know. I think it could help, but I don’t think it’s necessary. I think a therapist can provide perspective, but I’m also skeptical of authority and wary of standardized interpretations, labels, etc.

Is there another formula for figuring out what happened? How we could have done better? How we can move on and prevent the same mistakes in the future? Is it possible to avoid these mistakes, these issues? With anyone? Ever? Is it possible to find something Truly Special?

Perhaps our whole relationship paradigm is borked. In this culture, we seek True Love without community. We seek isolation in that special someone. Completion.

This isn’t the complete picture. It’s just a start. I’m thinking out loud.

Schemes

Published
by
Wyatt
on February 25, 2008
in personal
. 0 Comments

How easily we fall into material schemes. Fall. Every day I think to myself, What is the purpose, meaning, and value of this Life? There’s got to be so much more. Something… higher? I’m in deep water here. I don’t know how to understand or express this larger purpose, if it is a purpose. I don’t know how to find meaning, that I might move toward an understanding of this purpose.

A classic struggle. No answers, and so what do I do? Fall. Get caught up in schemes, dreaming about money, fame, making a name for myself. Is that it? Who’s got the answers now?

What do we strive for? In my current position, I help maintain systems that keep consumer goods running smoothly through this linear process: Extract. Manufacture. Buy. Sell. Buy. Dispose. Repeat. Don’t close the loop–dispose and start over. Dispose and destroy. Why don’t we care?

And what do I get from this work? Money so that I can maintain my Lifestyle? What the fuck? Money so I can pay outrageously inflated rent, buy cheap products made in China (don’t forget those externalized costs), pay my fucking iPhone bill? Look at me now, so caught up. Am I happy? Are you happy? Is this a path toward insanity or enlightenment? Is there a difference? Can I make a difference?

Why are we so afraid of insanity? Because we won’t be able to function as productive members of this so-called Society? We might be mocked? Shunned? Purposeless?

At home, I arrange my room. I think about how it’s going to be. It’s gonna be so cool. A new house mate just brought in a box full of movies. I’m gonna watch those movies. Oh yeah. It’s gonna be great. Fuck yeah. People will come over. We’ll talk about funny, clever, and cool shit. It’ll be so much fun. Yeah, I can’t wait.

I can’t wait to connect with people at a deeper level. I’m trying. I’m trying to find a purpose. I’m trying to find meaning in this, make this a little better each day. Is it working?

My Picture in the Paper

Published
by
Wyatt
on February 24, 2008
in personal
. 0 Comments

The Willamette Week, a weekly paper in Portland, puts out an annual “love and sex” issue around Valentine’s Day, which includes interviews with local singles (cleverly titled Singled Out). This year, through a series of random circumstances, I was interviewed and got “mah pitcher in tha paper.” See it here (about midway down).

First off, I would like to express that I hate Valentine’s Day. I’m not going to go into why. The reasons are probably obvious anyway.

According to the article, my perfect date would be a “vegan bicycle chick.” Whereas that’s somewhat true, I would like to state, for the record, that I didn’t utter those words. In the distant past, I used the word “chick” to refer to women but not any more. Not that I’m super PC or anything; “chick” just doesn’t sound/feel right somehow.

Anyway…

It was interesting to be interviewed and kind of weird to read the article and know that there’s this portrait of me out there that’s not entirely accurate. In some ways, it describes me pretty well, but at the same time, it doesn’t feel like me at all. Doesn’t look like me either. Or does it?

Willamette Week - Single Out

I’ve had several people ask if I met anyone through the article. A few people sent me messages, and I went on one date (to the Red & Black Cafe). No “for-evah” prospects.

Being single/unattached is a good thing, at least for now. I’m not trying to get myself all tangled up with someone right after coming out of a six-year relationship, though I am interested in meeting people. My focus is on understanding and growth and relating to people. It seems we all run into the same relationship obstacles.