Monthly Archive for February, 2008

Diary for Feb 29, 2008

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Wyatt
on February 29, 2008
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Interesting things that happened today:

I put a new, more-professional resume online.

I quit my job at EDI/BASCO. Working there was a great experience in terms of professional and personal growth. I also met some great people. It was just time for me to move on and pursue my (occupational) passion, which is programming in general and Web development in particular.

My Web dev partner and I met with two of the partners of [a certain hotel] about completing their Web site and building them a content management system. I’m very excited about this project. Assuming we get the job (fingers crossed!), we’ll be combining a Django back end with an accessible, Flash-enhanced front end.

Two of my three new house mates officially moved in. They wrote rent and deposit checks and signed their names to a lease addendum. Living with people again, especially this many people that I don’t know well, is going to be an interesting experience/experiment. In the past two months, I lived in this house by myself and had quite grown to enjoy it (though it was a bit much space for just one person). Before that, I lived with just one other person for two years. I’m fairly optimistic, though, and think we’ll have fun getting to know each other.

Shorts and Totes met. Shorts is my cat (female). Totes is one of new house mate’s cat (male). They’re both around two years old. Shorts has been growling at Totes. Totes is very curious and has been trying to approach Shorts. I think they’ll be bros after a while, which will be great, since I feel bad about leaving Shorts at home by herself so much of the time.

I went to a Leap Year party thrown by a Mazamas member. I met her through some fellow Street Ramblers. The party was more of a gathering really, though it did get a bit rowdy before I left. The host made some really delicious Indian food. I left early because I was tired and had a lot of things on my mind.

Six Years

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Wyatt
on February 25, 2008
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Six years. Six fucking years. How long does it take to get over a six-year relationship? Or, more generally, an X-year relationship? Is there a formula that can be applied to the situation? Can we factor in all the variables, crunch the numbers, and find a solution?

Or, perhaps those years can just be cast aside. But I fear the consequences of misunderstanding, of un-attempted understanding. I fear the lingering destructive effect of unanswered questions and unresolved issues.

I’ll just sweep it away now, into the back of my mind somewhere (it can never truly be forgotten). I don’t like it, but there is no other choice (is there?).

Maybe counseling would help. “Give me therapy, not love.” I don’t know. I think it could help, but I don’t think it’s necessary. I think a therapist can provide perspective, but I’m also skeptical of authority and wary of standardized interpretations, labels, etc.

Is there another formula for figuring out what happened? How we could have done better? How we can move on and prevent the same mistakes in the future? Is it possible to avoid these mistakes, these issues? With anyone? Ever? Is it possible to find something Truly Special?

Perhaps our whole relationship paradigm is borked. In this culture, we seek True Love without community. We seek isolation in that special someone. Completion.

This isn’t the complete picture. It’s just a start. I’m thinking out loud.

Schemes

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Wyatt
on February 25, 2008
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How easily we fall into material schemes. Fall. Every day I think to myself, What is the purpose, meaning, and value of this Life? There’s got to be so much more. Something… higher? I’m in deep water here. I don’t know how to understand or express this larger purpose, if it is a purpose. I don’t know how to find meaning, that I might move toward an understanding of this purpose.

A classic struggle. No answers, and so what do I do? Fall. Get caught up in schemes, dreaming about money, fame, making a name for myself. Is that it? Who’s got the answers now?

What do we strive for? In my current position, I help maintain systems that keep consumer goods running smoothly through this linear process: Extract. Manufacture. Buy. Sell. Buy. Dispose. Repeat. Don’t close the loop–dispose and start over. Dispose and destroy. Why don’t we care?

And what do I get from this work? Money so that I can maintain my Lifestyle? What the fuck? Money so I can pay outrageously inflated rent, buy cheap products made in China (don’t forget those externalized costs), pay my fucking iPhone bill? Look at me now, so caught up. Am I happy? Are you happy? Is this a path toward insanity or enlightenment? Is there a difference? Can I make a difference?

Why are we so afraid of insanity? Because we won’t be able to function as productive members of this so-called Society? We might be mocked? Shunned? Purposeless?

At home, I arrange my room. I think about how it’s going to be. It’s gonna be so cool. A new house mate just brought in a box full of movies. I’m gonna watch those movies. Oh yeah. It’s gonna be great. Fuck yeah. People will come over. We’ll talk about funny, clever, and cool shit. It’ll be so much fun. Yeah, I can’t wait.

I can’t wait to connect with people at a deeper level. I’m trying. I’m trying to find a purpose. I’m trying to find meaning in this, make this a little better each day. Is it working?

My Picture in the Paper

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Wyatt
on February 24, 2008
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The Willamette Week, a weekly paper in Portland, puts out an annual “love and sex” issue around Valentine’s Day, which includes interviews with local singles (cleverly titled Singled Out). This year, through a series of random circumstances, I was interviewed and got “mah pitcher in tha paper.” See it here (about midway down).

First off, I would like to express that I hate Valentine’s Day. I’m not going to go into why. The reasons are probably obvious anyway.

According to the article, my perfect date would be a “vegan bicycle chick.” Whereas that’s somewhat true, I would like to state, for the record, that I didn’t utter those words. In the distant past, I used the word “chick” to refer to women but not any more. Not that I’m super PC or anything; “chick” just doesn’t sound/feel right somehow.

Anyway…

It was interesting to be interviewed and kind of weird to read the article and know that there’s this portrait of me out there that’s not entirely accurate. In some ways, it describes me pretty well, but at the same time, it doesn’t feel like me at all. Doesn’t look like me either. Or does it?

Willamette Week - Single Out

I’ve had several people ask if I met anyone through the article. A few people sent me messages, and I went on one date (to the Red & Black Cafe). No “for-evah” prospects.

Being single/unattached is a good thing, at least for now. I’m not trying to get myself all tangled up with someone right after coming out of a six-year relationship, though I am interested in meeting people. My focus is on understanding and growth and relating to people. It seems we all run into the same relationship obstacles.

The Story of Stuff

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Wyatt
on February 24, 2008
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Please have a look a this:

http://www.storyofstuff.com/

There’s a short movie there (with some cool cartoon art) that talks about where all our stuff comes from, the way we attempt satisfy our emotional needs through shopping, and how much waste we produce. I’ll admit that it made me cry a little bit. There’s hope, though, in the choices we make. We have so much power as “consumers.”

One of the most interesting points to me is that we are, on the whole, not any happier by having more and more stuff. In fact, according to the movie, our “national happiness” has declined steadily since the 50s, which is when our national happiness peaked. There are scientific studies that show this (I’m curious how it’s measured). It also squares with my own observations (though those don’t start until the late 80s).

Trash Heap

Fort Minor - Slip Out the Back

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Wyatt
on February 19, 2008
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At work, I now and then have to drive (e.g., to pick up a new computer). One of the company cars has a pretty sweet XM receiver and a bunch of MP3s. While on a mission with my coworker Michael, we came across a hip hop act called Fort Minor, which I had never heard before.

It’s all good, but I’m really into this one particular song: Slip Out the Back. It resonates. Of course, it’s not the perfect soundtrack to my life, but I identify strongly with the overall meaning (as I perceive it), and certain lines can make me cry.

“Forget perfect–I’m trying not to be worthless. Since I last saw you, I’ve been looking for a purpose.”

“I don’t need to tell you that life isn’t fair. It doesn’t care. It arbitrarily cuts off your air. And like you, I want someone to say it’s OK. In the truest part of hearts, everybody’s afraid. We’re just under appreciated and overwhelmed, fighting so hard to hide our fear that we’re scaring ourselves.”

“Slip out the back before they know you were there. At the worst you’ll see nobody cares.”

“Please remember this isn’t how hoped it would be…”

“That’s why I slipped out the back before you know I was there. I know you felt unprepared… That’s why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there, and I know the way I left wasn’t fair.”

If the video below won’t play, click here to search YouTube for another version.

Two Hour Walks

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Wyatt
on February 19, 2008
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About a month ago, I stumbled across a group called The Mazamas. More accurately, I stumbled across their web site. They are a “mountaineering education organization” in Portland and organize all kinds of hikes, mountain climbing, snow shoeing, etc.

The thing that got me involved are the Street Rambles. These are two hour walks starting in NW Portland that go to various places in the city. They happen every Tuesday and Thursday from 6-8pm, rain or shine. Don’t be late! There are slow, moderate, fast, and super fast groups. I’ve done four rambles so far, and I feel like I’ve seen more of the city in the past month than I have in the past three and half years that I’ve lived in Portland. We’ve been all over Southwest and into North and Northeast. During drier weather, there are more walks in Forest Park and on other trails.

I’m really enjoying getting out and talking with (pseudo) random people. They are diverse, friendly, and inclusive and there is a sense of community, even if it only lasts for those two hours.

Today I did my first super fast ramble. It was super fun. It was about seven miles of hills, stairs, trails, and interesting neighborhoods. The midpoint of the walk was riding the Portland Aerial Tram down from OHSU (this walk is known as a “Tramble”). It’s like some kind of amusement park ride, and it’s free to go down. The view is spectacular, and the first time was quite a thrill–suspended by a mere cable (a long cable) hundreds of feet up.

Shorts in the Sunshine on the Couch in the House

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Wyatt
on February 19, 2008
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Shorts in the Sunshine on the Couch in the House

This is Shorts, quite possibly the cutest, sweetest kitten ever (other than her sister, Flubby). OK, I’m sure I’m just saying that because she’s my cat, but whatever… Click the image to see the full size version. I took this photo with my iPhone.

New Site/Blog

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Wyatt
on February 18, 2008
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I’ve decided to abandon Mephisto for running this site, since the Mephisto project appears to have been abandoned. Plus I heard that Ruby on Rails really sucks after all. Who knew? On top of all that, WordPress is simpler to deal with and doesn’t crash all the time. Blah blah…

If you don’t know what the hell the above paragraph is on about, that’s OK. The gist of it is, I’m changing the software that runs this site. The practical effect is that A) the style is different and B) all the old posts haven’t been moved to this new site yet.

All the old posts are still available at http://blog.wyattbaldwin.com/.

Hopefully with this change, I’ll be inspired to blog more. We’ll see.