Monthly Archive for March, 2008

Getting Out into the Yard

Getting out into the yard today was good. I need to get out there more often. I keep thinking about gardening but get overwhelmed with the thought of it, partly because I’m also doing like 50 million other things (at least), but gardening and composting is really important to me. The compost pile is in full effect (yo), but the most I’ve done with gardening is daydream about luscious, home grown kale.

What I need to do is just start small and build up. There is a small bed next to the garage and also a small frame that our landlord dropped off for a raised bed. I’m going to start with one of these and just one or two “crops” then work my way up to other stuff. Also, on a related note, inspired by a recent blog post elsewhere, I plan to start sprouting.

Shorts and Totes on Garden Bed Frame Looking at Something
What are they looking at? Photo taken with iPhone and scaled with GIMP.

Kitties in the Yard

After I mowed the lawn, Shorts and Totes came outside to investigate. They sniffed around and chased each other a bit. They’re not quite to the point of snuggling together, but I think that’s coming soon. I’ll post here as soon as they do.

Shorts and Totes on Garden Bed Frame
Photo taken with iPhone and scaled with GIMP.

Raised Bed

Here’s something that I’m sure the world just needs to know. After many years, my bed finally has a frame. I’ve been sleeping on a mattress on the floor for a long, long time. I stole the frame from a futon that L and I bought back in 2002.

The futon mattress was pretty shitty anyway, and, besides, I really don’t need three couches. I could probably get by with just one, the one that’s in my room now (that I finally got the cushions for after two and half months of them being out of stock at IKEA. Yes, I just admitted to shopping at IKEA. I will now go hang my head in shame.)

I like the bed being up off the floor for two reasons. A) Insulation. This house is well insulated, but the bed would get cold through conduction. I’d be cold on bottom and warm on top. B) It’s easier to sit on and functions as a makeshift couch. My room is currently set up somewhat like a tiny studio. I’ve got a couch, desk, and bed in here. One person can sit on the couch and another on the bed. This works well for playing guitar together, as Isaac and I did just a few days ago.

Anyone want a shitty futon mattress? It’s actually not all that bad, and it’s got a removable, washable cover, and we bought it new. Otherwise, I think it’s going out via craigslist.

Mowing the Lawn

Lawns are weird. I’m not sure why most people have one. They don’t seem to be fully utilized all that often. We water them just to mow them down. On top of that, we could be growing food, not some pesky weed. In fact, we could just grow dandelions and other edible “weeds”–they’re highly nutritious. But we hate dandelions in this culture.

Having said that, I actually enjoy mowing the lawn. Not with one of those noisy, polluting gas mowers but with a push mower. Now, that, my friends, is some good, clean fun. It’s somehow meditative and a damn good workout. Not that it’s all that hard, mind you. The push mower I used looks ancient, but it cut that grass down like nobody’s business.

Push Mower (small)
Photo taken with iPhone and edited with GIMP.

Take that, grass!

First House Meeting

We* had our first house meeting this evening. It was quite possibly one of the best house meetings I’ve ever been a part of. Without discussing it formally (until near the end), we used consensus to make our decisions. Everyone listened and everyone got a chance to speak, and we stayed fairly well on track.

It’s all the more interesting considering our lifestyle differences, but none of that mattered as far as our ability to communicate respectfully and make decisions that everyone was comfortable with. One of our decisions was to try to have “family game night” once a week or so.

Afterwards, we got into some furniture arranging. That was fun too. There’s a lot left to do, but I’m looking forward to it. This weekend will include mowing the lawn (with the push mower), moving the Internet connection to a more public location, and installing the cat door (which is now in my window). Domestic chores! Yay!

*I was living by myself (with a cat) in a four bedroom house for two months. It was nice in a lot of ways but was too much space for one person (and a cat), and it was draining me financially. Now I have three house mates. Things won’t always be perfect, but living alone isn’t always ideal either. It’s all about balance, clear and direct communication, creating and maintaining personal space, and mutual respect.

Slices

These blog posts are slices through time, slices through my mind. They capture a moment, a dim reflection of complete and beautiful (if sometimes dark) thought/feeling.

So much is lost in the translation from what I’m freely thinking and feeling (e.g., as I’m riding my bike to work) into these typewritten words. I try to capture the essence of what I’m thinking, but thoughts move so fast in so many directions at once with so many tangents. I can handle this when I’m thinking or talking, but writing is so linear, so non-organic, so constrained. And, of course, it lacks intonation, facial expression, hand gestures, etc.

Someone might read this blog and get a certain impression. But that impression isn’t me. It’s not all of me. It’s just a slice.

Destroy You

I need to destroy you. Mentally and emotionally, I need to erase you. I need to forget everything you said, I said, that we said to each other. I need to forget what we meant to each other–all the hope and potential and our unbreakable friendship.

Every time I think of you, what we had, and what could have been, I fall into a deep, dark well. I despair. Meaning: I can’t move. I can’t function. I don’t care if I lose my job and end up on the street. I cry and cry.

Every time I fall and cry, I get up again. I move forward again. But then I fall again, when I think of you again. This is why I need to destroy you. What exists is what I perceive and what I believe. This is my world, my dream. You don’t exist.

I don’t want to despise you, but I need to let go of you, of us. I don’t need to hate you to do this, but I need to erase you, cleanse myself of false hope and attachment.

That night when it all went down, something cracked open, was cut open, bled onto our nice, new carpet. Something opened up, and I saw incredible, beautiful potential. I suppose it wasn’t meant to be. It was never meant to be.

Instead, we cracked. And divided. We broke apart. “Friends to the end” is an empty phrase. “I’d say we’re friends to the end, but nothing lasts that long.”

Notes

1. I’m being slightly dramatic. I’ll never forget. And, of course, this person still exists, but not as before.

2. There’s no blame in this.

Emotional Attachment

What is emotional attachment? Is it just some chemical programming in my brain? Can I turn it off? How can I turn it off?! If I could just turn it off, would I? Should I?

Perhaps emotional attachment is like gravity–a force of nature that (apparently) can’t be defied.

When two people get involved to a deep enough degree, what happens? What physical, mental, emotional, and/or spiritual processes occur? Is there a connection created in some dimension that we can’t see? Why does it hurt to break apart? Why the fuck should I care what you say or do?

But I do. I can’t deny that. I imagine invisible strands binding me. Bound by love, unexpressed thoughts and feelings, unanswered questions. Why can’t I kick this attachment? How do I detach? How do I get free from it?

Why does anything hurt? What is the point of this pain? There is no satisfying answer that I can find or that I’ve heard. Just “Buck up! It’s all gonna be OK. Just give it some time.” Fuck these platitudes. There’s no answer in them. Fuck time. There’s never time, ’cause we gotta work and be cool and implement our schemes.

Avoiding Places of Pain

I’m not avoiding places of pain. I’m not repressing my darkest thoughts. Or my brightest. I’m not avoiding anyplace or anyone. All over this town are memories. Places I had forgotten. They give me pause. Trigger a flood of memories. Not bad or good, just memories.

Sometimes those places are hard to face, but I can’t escape them. I wouldn’t choose to escape them.

I let the feeling wash over me. And breathe. “All that’s in front of me I open welcomely.”

Self Harm

Why would you do that to yourself?

Why would a person do that to him or her self? Why would someone, for example, pick up a blade and cut a wrist? What factors motivate this kind of behavior? What thoughts and feelings must one be having? What state of mind must one be in?

Emotional distress is part of the answer–a surpassed threshold of stress, change, distrust, lack of understanding, and pain with no viable or believable solutions. Self harm is an expression of pure pain, of agony, of not knowing what to do or how to proceed, of not being able to express oneself at some fundamental level.

But most people choose other methods of dealing with their issues. Most people numb or pacify themselves with food, alcohol, drugs (including government sanctioned pharmaceuticals), TV, work, shopping, etc. Some people get counseling or seek a higher purpose. People that harm themselves may try these things too.

So, what kind of life experience leads to self harm? What kind leads to self harm with a suicidally tinged expression (e.g., cutting a wrist along a vein)?

I don’t think there’s a simple answer. Some people harm themselves when they’re freaking out. Others are calm and rational. Some want to hide. Some want to feel. Some want to bring something to the surface.

From what I’ve read, a larger percentage of people engage in some kind of self harm than might be expected.

So, what’s wrong with our culture? Can we blame culture? What interaction of culture and certain individuals leads some to self harm? Is self harm always a bad thing?

What is the definition of self harm? Usually it means something like cutting oneself. But what about eating too much? Drinking too much? Repressing emotion? What qualifies? Should it be any act that a person knows to be harmful? Any such act that is done instead of addressing an underlying issue?